If I Were Gary Bettman (I'd Be Short) (from lcshockey.com)
As I sit here, whiling away the hours by flipping between the Flyers/(Sunshinin') Red Wings game and "Soul Train," it dawns on me that we all have secret fantasies. Sure, most of them involve French maid costumes and riding crops, but some of them actually center on the game that we love to bitch about, hockey.
Today, I'm wondering what it would be like to be NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman for a day. OK, let me rephrase that: I'm wondering what it'd be like to have his job for a day. Well, if that ever happens, here (after a whole hour's thought) is what I'd do to solve the myriad problems of today's NHL:
1. Skyrocketing player salaries -- Compared to the other three major-league sports in North America, NHL players earn several hundred percent more in comparison to what the franchises take in. Whether it's the fault of short-sighted owners or greedy players isn't the point; the whole situation has gotten so bad that most owners consider it a good season if they don't lose more than $10 million US, and long-lived franchises like Buffalo and Pittsburgh are on the brink of extinction.
So my first act as Count Bettman would be to impose a salary cap of, say, $40 million US league-wide. The owners would love it, but the NHLPA would scream bloody murder. Well, I say tough (sunshine). While I'm not normally in the corner of the owners, it should be pointed out that they are the ones who take all the financial risk. If a player signs a contract for $10 million per year and blows his knee out in the first preseason game, he'll still get paid; however, ownership will either have to live without that player (catching crap from the fans and press if the team slumps) or shell out more money (among other things) for a replacement. Or look at the New York Ranger$ -- each year, they spend more than the entire payroll of some teams on free agents, and each year, they end up with more tankers than Exxon. If the Broadway Blueshirts aren't the poster boys for mandated salary limits, who is?
Of course, the NHLPA won't take this lying down, and could threaten to walk out. Fine, walk out. Go play in Europe for a fraction of the money. Given how little hockey is on TV these days, it might be until next season before anyone notices. Eventually, guys like Alexei Yashin will get tired of making $100 per week with the Kloden Flyers and come back to what really is the only big game in town.
2. Inconsistent officiating -- Does a game go by when we don't complain about the officiating? Well, I have a simple solution that will kill multiple birds with one stone: fire the referees and use the TV commentators as officials. Every local TV play-by-play crew purports to know the rules better than the refs and bitches about calls (or non-calls), so let them make the calls. Bonuses include the money saved by not paying for officials, and the ice space saved by not having four guys in striped shirts - essentially a third team - clogging up the rink. Plus, we don't ever have to see Rob Shick again...
3. Market the game, already! - Why is it that beer companies do a better job of humanizing NHL players and generating interest in the sport than the NHL? I mean, really...the only NHL commercial I've seen all season is that damn Kiefer Sutherland "fill up the tub" one, which I needed to see exactly twice -- once to figure out what the hell it's about, and once more to confirm that I was sick of it. Compare that to the ones the NFL runs, like where Eagles running back Duce Staley has to take "time out" after an altercation in a spelling bee, or where Steelers corner De'Wayne Washington gives an art lesson to a group of preschoolers. They're almost all pretty darn funny, and they make you look at the players in a different light. The NHL has plenty of athletes who would make prime subjects for similar commercials. Heck, the oddball habits of goalies alone would do it...
Okay, I stand corrected: the NHL has two commercials. I just saw one where some dork is having dinner with a babe-alicious blonde, only to excuse himself so he can run into the bathroom and root for the (sunshinin') Red Wings - with another guy, no less. I could spend an entire article just talking about what all is wrong with that one...
4. Save our most deserving endangered franchises -- The Sens just filed for bankruptcy, joining Buffalo and two-timer Pittsburgh among the ranks of NHL teams trying to evade hordes of creditors. Since these teams are all struggling to make payrolls, why not start offering the players shares of their respective teams in lieu of cash? Or better yet, shares of EACH OTHER'S teams. Just imagine a game between Buffalo and Ottawa, with players on each team trying to help the opposition win and thereby improve their shares... Big fun.
5. Move the other endangered franchises -- It's an unfortunate fact that most of the "Sun Belt" teams added in the 1990s just aren't cutting it, either on or off the ice. So move them. Contrary to those naysayers who claim that there aren't any more North American cities capable of supporting NHL teams, I think there are alternatives that are at least as viable as the current ones:
Goodbye Anaheim, hello Portland. Sure, Microsoft billionaire Paul Allen has stated unequivocally that he has no interest in hockey, particularly if he's going to lose money at it. So I'd GIVE him the Anaheim franchise. If Disney were to be believed, they'd be better off financially giving it away rather than continuing to drop millions into a losing franchise. Bonus for Mr. Allen: keep the "Ducks" name and maybe some U. of Oregon fans will get confused and buy tickets by mistake.
Goodbye Atlanta, hello Macon, Ga. Not much of a move, right? True. Georgia is a sucky hockey state, and the franchise probably wouldn't get any better. But there's got to be some value in having a team called the Macon Whoopee (a former ECHL team) or the Macon Bacon (my choice).
Goodbye Miami, hello Philadelphia. I know, Philly already has a team. But NYC has three franchises within spitting distance (literally), and the attendance numbers for Philly's AHL team would indicate that a second NHL team could work. Besides, the erstwhile Florida players would feel right at home -- all the rats from Veterans Stadium are going to need a home...
Goodbye Nashville, hello Milwaukee. Considering how much support the game gets from beer companies, the "Beer Capital of the World" seems like an obvious place to have an NHL team, particularly since Michigan and Minnesota have their own franchises. And you have to admit that the Milwaukee Squiggys has a nice ring to it...
Goodbye Phoenix, hello Hamilton. Hamilton has been itching for a franchise for a decade, and what better one to give them than one partially owned by Ontario's favorite son, Wayne Gretzky? I mean, it isn't like they could draw any FEWER fans than the 'Yotes...
Goodbye Tampa, hello Hartford. If the guys with lightning bolts on their pants have to go anywhere, the only city truly worthy is the former home of the Whale. But only if they can play in the Mall, or a reasonable facsimile thereof...