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Hilarious stuff!
Good and Bad News
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," said God.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, 'I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and po****te this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
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Read all the Numbers... Slowly!! B Careful else u miss something..
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2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
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17
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very good
tomorrow we'll learn abc
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100 Nuns
The nuns at the local convent had their daily
announcement session.
Mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns
with a very serious frown on her face. She began to
speak.....
Mother Superior: "A sinful deed was committed here,
yesterday."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "Today I found a pair of men`s
underwear."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And I also found a condom."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And it has been used."
99 nuns: "Oh, no!"
1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"
Mother Superior: "And there is a hole in it!"
1 nun: "Oh no!"
99 nuns: "Hee, Hee, Hee!!!"
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3 Virgin Daughters
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still, nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it, in shaky handwriting, were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.
:D :D :D :D :D
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Rules of Bed Room Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment - normally, one
club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club into the
hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness before play
begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the
club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as is
necessary until the course owner is satisfied. Failure to do
so may result in being denied permission to play the course
again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will
normally take time to admire the whole course being played,
with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course
being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage
players' equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring along rain gear, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, particularly when a course is being played
for the first time. Previous players have been known to become
irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider a
private course.
11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at
all time. Some players may be embarrassed to find the course
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely
tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find
alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission
before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course
owner's request.
14. It is considered oust anding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best
player.
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Too Busy..
A man is busy screwing his girlfriend on the railway
tracks.
The alert train driver spots the couple miles before.
And immediately starts honking and starts applying the
brakes slowly.
But the couple just ignore it and are happily humping
away.
The driver is damn irritated and just stops a few
yards away from the loving couple.
He jumps down from the engine and rushes towards the
man who has just finished and is zipping up his pants.
The driver is so angry, he starts shouting at the
irresponsible young man, "You idiot, do you realize
that had I not seen you at the right time, this would
have been your last.."
"Hold on...," replies the young man, "Listen, you were
coming and I was coming. But only you had brakes.."
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The Horse and the Chicken
A chicken and a horse were in a field together; the
horse fell into a mud hole and couldn't get out.
He called out to the chicken and said 'Help, go and
get the farmer I can't get out and I'm sinking in
further.
The chicken runs up to the farm house and tries to get
the farmer but he isn't around.
Being a quick thinking chick, she ran and got the
farmer's Mercedes and drove it to the mud hole.
She then tied a rope to the tow hook and threw it to
the horse and she pulled him out with the Mercedes.
The horse was very grateful !
A week or so later the chicken fell into the very same
mud hole.
She called out to the horse and he came running she
said 'Help! Go and get the farmer. I can't get out'.
The horse then straddled over the mud hole and told
the chick to hang on to the 'thingy' between his legs.
She did and he managed to pull her out.
The moral of the story ...
You don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick...
...you just need to be hung like horse!!!
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Ram and Shyam
there were two twins, Ram and Shyam who lived in a
village by the sea.
Ram was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just
so happened that Shyam's wife died the same day Ram's
boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Ram and
mistaking him for Shyam said, "I'm sorry to hear about
your loss. You must feel terrible."
Ram, thinking she was talking about his boat said,
"Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a
rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was
all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead
fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad
crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and
she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I
rented her to these four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to
use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at
once and she split right up the middle".
Not strangely, the old woman fainted
